SHE WRITES FOR THE MOON: May 2018

An on-and-off relationship- this is what I have with my anxiety and depression. A decade ago, I knew there’s something special about me. Most people who would hear or read my story would probably just ignore this. Some would not even make a fuss about it. While some might think that I’m just riding the bandwagon. The voice inside my head tells me that it’s okay. What other people say doesn’t really matter. But there’s also a voice on every corner of my head that screams, “It’s not, and it will never be okay.” This is the everyday scenario I am faced with.

Every day, I wake up to different small voices that manipulate how I think and act. Every day, I struggle to determine which voice to follow; and every day, I strive to find my own voice.

Do I even have my own voice?

My on-and-off relationship with A&D started a decade ago. Sometimes I wonder why I have this. What did I even do to deserve this?

Statistics show that depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), 1 in 13 people suffer from anxiety. Almost a decade ago, I became one of those numbers. My existence was narrowed down to those numbers. I am one among millions of people around the world who living to the age of depression and anxiety.

Sometimes I’m okay but most of the time I’m not.

My relationship with A&D is not something I can easily get out with. It is something that I have long been accustomed to but I could never take a grasp of.

DAY 1

A day with my A&D is like being stuck in a circus. You can go on a day and try different rides. But at the end of it all, you still get tired. A lot of people might say, “Everyone gets tired. It’s normal.” It’s true. However, it’s not the kind of tired almost everyone is accustomed to. This kind of tiredness is when you wake up feeling tired without having to lift a single finger or opening your eyes. This kind of tiredness grips your neck and drowns you into the ocean of your thoughts.

DAY 2

Most days in my relationship with A&D, I become a hopeful. I always hope for a greater day, a better tomorrow. But most of the times, I end up being regretful. I regret what I said. I regret what I did. I even regret what I did not even say, think about, or do. I still wish my days could be better.

DAY 3

Most of my Wednesdays make me think if I have made it through my thoughts or if I am still stuck in my ocean. Halfway through the week. Where am I?

DAY 4

it’s the 4th day. I should be grateful. I survived the past few days without breaking down. Or have I? Wait, did I say things right? Did I make any mistake? I know I shouldn’t have said that. Should I say sorry? But what did I do wrong? I don’t know anymore. Here we again with this never ending roller coaster ride. Save me. Please.

DAY 5

Just one more day. You can do this! Everything will go well today. No, don’t cry. You’re not vulnerable. You’re strong. You can make it through the day. You can do it. Sorry, who are we kidding? Of course, you can’t. You’re just too full of yourself but everybody knows you’re replaceable.

I wish I can tell my brain to stop all these nonsense.

I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship with my A&D for almost a decade now. Most of the time, I find it hard to manage. I wanted to get out of this relationship and just recognize who really I am. I’m so desperate to find my own voice that I even went on medication. But somehow along my journey toward finding myself, I became afraid of letting go what this relationship I’ve learned to embrace through time.

What will I ever be without A&D? It has defined everything in my life that I don’t think I will ever recognize myself if I ever try to cut things off with my disorder. This is how my relationship goes. This is how I live. I don’t know if this is how I ought to live for the rest of my life.

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Our My Story Has Been Told

Almost the same time last year, I asked why? Now, I’ve got the answers.

I asked why, I don’t even know why. But I guess, I’ve somehow got it all figured out. It all started at exactly 11:11. No human in this world could ever figure out why 11:11 for only I can tell you why.

11:11

Someone once told me that when the clock strikes at 11:11, you have to make a wish, and that will surely come true. So I kept on wishing, waiting for the hands of the clock to turn to 11:11. When it does, I would always wish, nothing in particular, but I would always just wish to the heavens that they will spare me some time to see you and grant my wish to at least have a conversation or a meaningful interaction with you.

So, did I get my 11:11 wish? A lot of times when we shared late night conversations and I wait for you to reply on my messages even if it’s too late, you hardly reply instantly, and I have work early morning; a lot of times I thought I got my prayers answered. Sure, it was pure bliss. All the excitement was there. I was in full hype. But it was as short as the speed of light.

I came to believing that I was on my way of getting my hands on my wish. But the truth is, I was drowning in full deceit.

I liked you. But you liked somebody else.

I drunk a whole lot of courage to let you know how much I liked you. I wasn’t expecting anything. I’d like to tell myself that I was not expecting you to reciprocate my feelings.

As I type these words down on my computer while I kill my time in the office, Khalid is singing in the background, “young, dumb; young, young, dumb, and broke.”

The truth is, we didn’t really have a story to tell. You don’t have any questions to answer. In the first place, everything is on my imagination. I was young and dumb. Yes, I’d like to admit. Our story is about a girl who’s in love with your humor. Wait, scratch that. My story is about me falling in love with your humor. It is about me hopelessly waiting tha I get a reply from you. It is about me eating my pride and taking chances with you whom I thought could be my first ever encounter with what people call romance.

Last time I asked why.

Let me answer why. You listened because you thought I was fascinating until you learned the things about me. You entertained me because you were afraid that I’d get lonely, and you don’t want people getting lonely because of you. You listened and replied because I am a friend. Let me take note of that.

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