On and Off
An on-and-off relationship- this is what I have with my anxiety and depression. A decade ago, I knew there’s something special about me. Most people who would hear or read my story would probably just ignore this. Some would not even make a fuss about it. While some might think that I’m just riding the bandwagon. The voice inside my head tells me that it’s okay. What other people say doesn’t really matter. But there’s also a voice on every corner of my head that screams, “It’s not, and it will never be okay.” This is the everyday scenario I am faced with.
Every day, I wake up to different small voices that manipulate how I think and act. Every day, I struggle to determine which voice to follow; and every day, I strive to find my own voice.
Do I even have my own voice?
My on-and-off relationship with A&D started a decade ago. Sometimes I wonder why I have this. What did I even do to deserve this?
Statistics show that depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), 1 in 13 people suffer from anxiety. Almost a decade ago, I became one of those numbers. My existence was narrowed down to those numbers. I am one among millions of people around the world who living to the age of depression and anxiety.
Sometimes I’m okay but most of the time I’m not.
My relationship with A&D is not something I can easily get out with. It is something that I have long been accustomed to but I could never take a grasp of.
DAY 1
A day with my A&D is like being stuck in a circus. You can go on a day and try different rides. But at the end of it all, you still get tired. A lot of people might say, “Everyone gets tired. It’s normal.” It’s true. However, it’s not the kind of tired almost everyone is accustomed to. This kind of tiredness is when you wake up feeling tired without having to lift a single finger or opening your eyes. This kind of tiredness grips your neck and drowns you into the ocean of your thoughts.
DAY 2
Most days in my relationship with A&D, I become a hopeful. I always hope for a greater day, a better tomorrow. But most of the times, I end up being regretful. I regret what I said. I regret what I did. I even regret what I did not even say, think about, or do. I still wish my days could be better.
DAY 3
Most of my Wednesdays make me think if I have made it through my thoughts or if I am still stuck in my ocean. Halfway through the week. Where am I?
DAY 4
it’s the 4th day. I should be grateful. I survived the past few days without breaking down. Or have I? Wait, did I say things right? Did I make any mistake? I know I shouldn’t have said that. Should I say sorry? But what did I do wrong? I don’t know anymore. Here we again with this never ending roller coaster ride. Save me. Please.
DAY 5
Just one more day. You can do this! Everything will go well today. No, don’t cry. You’re not vulnerable. You’re strong. You can make it through the day. You can do it. Sorry, who are we kidding? Of course, you can’t. You’re just too full of yourself but everybody knows you’re replaceable.
I wish I can tell my brain to stop all these nonsense.
I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship with my A&D for almost a decade now. Most of the time, I find it hard to manage. I wanted to get out of this relationship and just recognize who really I am. I’m so desperate to find my own voice that I even went on medication. But somehow along my journey toward finding myself, I became afraid of letting go what this relationship I’ve learned to embrace through time.
What will I ever be without A&D? It has defined everything in my life that I don’t think I will ever recognize myself if I ever try to cut things off with my disorder. This is how my relationship goes. This is how I live. I don’t know if this is how I ought to live for the rest of my life.
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